It wasn't until I sat down to write this post that I realized I never formally introduced myself. I mean sheesh, do ya'll even know who I am right now? Probably not :-/ WELL, I guess I figured since some major things are about to go down that will somewhat change that and that I would "re-introduce" myself at that time -- so hang tight! It won't be much longer :-)
As I begin the final preparations for a monumental life change I'll be undergoing soon, I finally took some time to sit down and reflect.
I've been through a lot of s**t.
From more than a handful of terrible relationships to friendships that have imploded before my eyes...I've been through a lot of s**t. However, the good has far outweighed the bad and the way I see the world these days helps me to remember that none of these series of unfortunate events have been in vein.
Allow me to explain...
I've always heard it said that three events will without a doubt show you who people really are -- marriage, birth, and death. A previous me would've followed up this statement with something to the effect of "sadly, I have found this to be true". However, I am really making my best effort to roll differently these days and so I'm going to simply go with "#facts".
It's true -- people change. Hell, I've changed too. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to focus just on birth and marriage. Let's break this down a bit...
So the ish pretty much tell you everything you need to know about how motherhood came about for me. Ever since the transition to mom status, I've been very selective with how I spend my time and energy. Kids are legitimately exhausting. However, I wouldn't trade them for the world. I remember when they first came into my life and things changed fairly quickly. I woke up one more a single woman without a care in the world and went to bed that same night as a taken mom of three. It was an adjustment -- for all of us. As I learned my way around my new role, I had lots of support...but I also had some significant opposition. People would tell me things like "don't feel like you're obligated to do anything" and all types of unsolicited ish as if I didn't make a conscious decision to be here.
The more shade I got, the more confident I became. I started to choose my battles more wisely and become intentional with what I wanted to do. I used to feel like I had to be everywhere, participate in everything, and say "yes" to things just because I had "free" time. Well that has all changed and I've never been happier. Does that mean I This shift has taught me that it is okay to say "no", even if you're not doing anything. My doing nothing is not an invitation to disrupt my peace -- the something I am doing is nothing...and it is okay to keep it that way.
For those that personally know me (and now you reading this post), I'm getting married soon...like really soon. I didn't have the luxury of doing all the fun and sometimes not-so-fun things couples do while planning because he had to relocate due to the nature of his job. I won't say I haven't enjoyed the process but I can say that my experience was probably slightly different. The nice thing is I have an amazing wedding coordinator and an even more amazing group of ladies that have rallied around me from day 1. If you think this is one of those mushy, Sisterhood of Traveling Pants type stories -- it's not.
With great gains come great losses...I think. If that's not true, it sounded good so I'm rolling with it. I lost someone that meant a lot to me during this whole wedding planning process. No, she did not die -- we just grew apart...during one of the most important seasons in both of our lives. It bothered me for a while and to a degree, it still does. I'm not sure if it was the loose ends that remain from the way it happened or the fact that it probably could have been avoided that caused the heartburn -- either way, it happened and it can't be undone. In the beginning, I went through a see-saw of being fine and then not fine. People have always known me to be a hothead (because it's slightly true) and it pissed me TF off that the one time I didn't live up to the "expectation", I got my a$$ handed to me on a garbage can lid. I replayed all the ways I could've "won" -- but that wasn't as important to me the way it used to be. For the first time in my life, it wasn't about winning as much as it was about how I played. That is when I realized it finally happened. I transitioned to the next phase of my life...and that meant I had to leave some people behind or let them move along without me.
Does it hurt? Yes. Will I live? Hell yes.
Whenever I get in my feelings and reminisce on what was, I give myself some tough love and remember what is. It had to happen so I could continue to grow. Growing pains are a b***h and in order to grow, you have to be willing to stretch. Just remember, your range of motion may not always line up with others'...and that is okay.
Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Let it go.
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